In my writing practice this morning, I hit a place where the voice of fear was getting louder and louder, especially the fear of failure and what that means to my financial and social existence.
I noticed that the voices in my head tend to go to an extreme place where I end up believing that won’t have roof over my head or be able to feed myself
It is an interesting place because I feel that when these voices are so loud I don’t have access to my desire and what I want to do. I feel paralysed by the fear
I meditated and wrote about what was behind these loud voices.
I find that when I am in this place I have to remind myself to slow down and increase my attention on what is happening under the surface
I went deeper into the voice of fear to see if I could find a way to hear what it was trying to tell me.
There’s also this other voice inside me that just says “fuck the fear” and keep going. I find that that works for a limited amount of time. Fear has a way of operating in that if I don’t pay attention to it, then over a period of time, the internal pressure keeps building and the voice keeps getting louder and louder.
In that moment of leaning in to the voice of fear and getting curious about what was underneath, I felt this really soft spot inside myself - it felt like a soft and warm animal that was scared. Sacred and a desire to be heard.
I realised that every time I ignore this part of me by saying something like ‘Fuck it’, it has to increase the volume to be heard and noticed.
It has to get louder and be animated to get my attention, until such a point that this soft little fluffy animal becomes a raging monster and takes over my entire life.
So, this morning I managed to get in touch with this part of me beyond the drama and the animation and rage.
I could see it for what it was, a scared and sensitive part of me who just wanted to be heard and seen.
It was this voice that was saying, “hey if you go full speed ahead with your desire, you may go out of control and destroy everything”.
In that moment, I realised that it wasn’t trying to stop me from going for what I want. Instead, it is actually the voice that is there to keep me sane and conscious, while I attempt to live life the way it is happening.
Once I managed to slow down enough to speak to this part of me, I could start to reconcile them. The one that wants to create and take risks in order to grow and do something that is out of my comfort zone and what appears to be a bit unsafe; and the one that wants me to make sure I stay in range.
I often hear a lot of people going after what they want in life and if they are unsuccessful or get burnt in the process, they feel scarred by it and then end up giving up on their dreams. I wonder if this is because we often do this by ignoring this inner voice, this natural intelligence that we all have, that wants to keep us in range.
Is there a place in your life where you feel the voice of fear is really loud? And if so, have you tried to slow down enough to hear what it has to say and build a friendship with it?